Monday, October 20, 2008

Lost and found and lost again...

During one of my chit-chat long lunch with some buddies, we were discussing about relationships. They were worried about my turbulent private life and the so-called dramatic ups and downs. I was more pre-occupied with the delicious fish fillet as they go on and on about love lost and found, etc, etc and ended up listening more than talking (for once in my life).

Suddenly, someone raised up the topic about young successful female professional in their late twenties and thirties. He mentioned that most of us (I guess I m in that category as well) have dysfunctional relationships when it comes to romance and the whole works with one main reason being that we are too focused on our own career, projects, advancements, hobbies, etc. As a result, we became complacent and occasionally selfish.

I have to admit that I made a few mistakes before when it comes to love. I’m not about to wash my dirty laundry in the public but lets just say that I didn’t implement very good quality control when it comes to social life. I have plenty of goals in life and when I decided to insert some safety regulations for the matters of my heart, I lose all discipline and ended up getting all hurt and heartbroken. I know that it’s important to have a few ground rules and from now on, I am going to strictly implement them (fingers crossed).

One, looks no longer matter. I used to date decent-looking guys which are not really that hot but are generally pleasant-looking people. As I grow in age and maturity ( I hope), I have learnt to separate the fact that good-looks doesn’t guarantee anything at all. In fact, some of the cuter ones are too hot for me to handle and i ended up feeling very left out, confused and abandoned.

Two, I need to have someone I can look up to, a leader in every sense in life. If the sense of respect is not there, how can we work out things and problems in the future? It doesn't mean that the person has to be a healthcare professional (I don't discriminate) but the person has to have a proper job which he has the passion and concentration for. Three, the person must have deep integrity and similar moral values. Most importantly, the person has to be a wholly-devoted, committed, matured, genuine Christian who love God more than me. Interesting concept and hard to grasp at first but this is something that I have learnt to submit to totally, without any questions asked.

As I drove back to my habitat, I mused on the topic my friend mentioned. Am I one of those people totally distracted by myself and my goals? Is it that hard to maintain healthy relationships and be massively successful? As I journey on in life, I guess my question will slowly be answered as I go on searching, wandering, wondering…


Anonymous said...

relationship is not a checklist of have and have-not.

to love is to accept the person's shortcomings.

one come to love by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly.

it think it's shallow to be demanding your love to have a list of qualities, especially religious belief.

does it mean catholics can only marry catholics? methodists only for methodists? buddhists be left with buddhists?

it's funny how some people keep on insisting they just want someone simple..

when you look deeper, a long list emerges.

cute little angel said...

wow, interesting topic you got there ;)
i don't know if this holds good but i heard ppl say that guys in general are intimidated by female doctors. what do u think?
anyway, wishing you all the best in ur love life! :)

the cili padi doctor said...

i know, i know...people and relationship are not like things, we cannot demand what we want or do not want and insist that people change to our system of thinking.

i have given chances to a few non-Christian guys and it didn't work out for various reasons. in fact, i have not dated someone who is similar to me spiritually.

so i m not trying to be a religious bigot here but i m saying that for my own PERSONAL good, i need to start considering someone with the same belief and value system as me.

this is not a blanket statement for everyone as we do see that some people who are of different faith do fall in love deeply and commit to each other their whole life, but sadly, i dun see that happening to me after a few tries...

how many times i have compromised and accepted people into my heart only to find it broken in the end? i think i have valid reasons to be cautious..

the cili padi doctor said...

to cute little angel...

i'm not sure whether people are intimidated by female doctors. Some people do feel inferior when they are facing confident, intelligent ladies who defy traditional mould of submissive, quiet female.

what matters most is that we respect each other and learn to understand that doctors are also human and the only difference is that we deal with life and death issues daily and so we can be very focused and serious. of course we do let down our hair and have fun but when it comes to human lives, no compromise should be made.

on the other hand,ironically i m also wondering why is it that i have never dated someone who is not a doctor.

cute little angel said...

on the topic of religion, i feel that it is certainly easier to relate to someone with similar beliefs. when the beliefs differ, there are bound to be differences in opinions on certain issues relating to principles of life etc. some of these issues are not easy to resolve and at times it is very difficult to reach a compromise.

imho, i believe that most female doctors and senior medical students end up dating doctors because these are the people they meet the most (hence, more 'exposure' and more time to mingle). Besides, it is always easier to relate to someone who knows the nature of your job. There'll be things to discuss and talk about etc. I notice that many of my girl friends in med school are dating guys in the profession either in the same med school or elsewhere, except me of course, but my bf is a soon-to-be healthcare professional as well.

Anonymous said...

The reason why catholics will only look for catholics and christians will only marry christians is not because they can find agreement on things to talk about.

It's because before the relationship even kicks off, these people already have one item on top of their list.

wanting someone who is spiritually similar to you is quite an illusion really. i even hear some church goers criticizing fellow members of not being religious enough. They also complain about others not loving GOD the correct way, their way.

Anyway, good luck in your quest with your long list. Hope you will not end up concluding that GOD has made you so special that this world is just too 'common' for you.

Anonymous said...

this is just my personal opinion too.

the world is a much better place to live in if humans learn to live and love with differences.

your blaming of failure in past relationships on spiritual differences shows how sick we've all become in our illusive quest for a ticket to heaven.

Anonymous said...

what's sicker is when some people start to think "doctors should date doctors too".

so besides christians dating christians (has to be same church, same god too), now even doctors should date doctors.... or 'soon-to-be HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONALS' the least.

unbelievable really.

i'm a cheap construction labor. I work under hot Sun and i eat bento boxes at site with immigrant workers.

Am i allowed to date a doctor without your 'OMG, who he thinks he is' kinda look?

Anonymous said...

i'm more intellectually intimidated by the men who laid the bricks of your hospital, the dude who designed the GE MRI machine in your lab, the cleaning lady who has to put up with small pay and dirty job of cleaning up pukes on the floor and changing patients diapers ...

... than most of the healthcare professionals.

seriously, what has gender got to do with the quality of your works?

the cili padi doctor said...

wow...the avalanche of comments keep on coming as i opened up the door to a lot of differing views.

i'm glad that people are offering their piece of mind on this topic but the emphasis is not on discrimination against people based on religion, ethnicity or career. rather it's on a girl who is still learning from her mistakes and recovering from a heartbreak.

Anonymous said...

even more mind boggling is what gender has got to do with the maturity of a person's thinking?

maybe there are men out there who cringe and reduce to the corner of losers at the sight of a lady in white overcoat dangling a stethoscope around her neck like a diamond necklace beaming with sense of pride...

or maybe there are MCPs out there who can't really stand such sight and thus try the more aggressive approach...

... but lets not treat that as a blanket statement and live with such false pride.

i have no problem with lady doctors. i only have problems with those who think they are special, and that applies to the males too.

Anonymous said...

if a lady who practices Taoisme her whole life, praying and submitting her whole world (including all her 4D bets) on some statues happens to be your mother living in your house, do you then:

(1) Move our because you can't accept such bullshit?

(2) Convert her and if she doesn't bend, stop talking to her?

(3) Publish on Classifieds you are disowning your mom?

(4) Break off the relationship and find another 'mom' with similar beliefs and spiritual insights so you can 'get along'?

Why apply those demands only to your spouse? Just because you can choose your husband but not your mom?

Anonymous said...

and just for your information, not only doctors get to meet fellow doctors most of the time.

teachers, engineers, secretaries, scientists, construction workers, lawyers too. Does this mean they should only marry their colleagues?

here is another blanket statement on why doctors only date doctors (or SOON TO BE HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS): These group of people think others are not up to their standard.

There.. a blanket statement for you and your readers to digest.

cute little angel said...

regarding koolgeek;s comment 'It's because before the relationship even kicks off, these people already have one item on top of their list.'
well, to say that is totally unfair to many people. Religion is NOT and will NOT be high on the priority list of many people. It is the ability to communicate and relate to each other that kicks off the realtionship. Trust honesty, compromise and love comes in later. You cant control who you like and neither can you like someone just bcos he/she is of a particular religion! its pathetic.
I wasn't implying that doctor SHOULD date doctors or what not. Like I said, you cant have a relationship if you don't spend time together, talk things out or share similar interests. It is extremely important to relate to the other person. Hence, ppl in this profession meet ppl from similar professions. We'll only get to meet other ppl if we join clubs, go for social outings frequently etc but the problem is we're busy ppl so we end up hangin out with ppl around us.
Is there anythin wrong with tt?

Anonymous said...

Nope. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Anonymous said...

i think it's just an excuse.

ask your mom and dad. what sort of 'similar interests' they share time together and see if those interests are related to their professions.

maybe they share a chicken rice stall together, but hey, 'similar interests'?

why it appears that this 'similar interests' match in heaven seems to apply more on the 'healthcare professionals' circle only?

does it mean other 'not so professionals' spend less of their time at work?

Anonymous said...

'we are busy people'

others are very free?

christine said...

wow so many comments. hehe. and it's indeed a hot topic & one that is commonly discussed once we hit the 20s! :D

i think it's good to have an idea of who you want to spend the rest of your life with of course! and that because you've put God first, He has that special person in mind for you already :)

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man has to seek Him first to find her" - Maya Angelou.

i love this quote! if he seeks Him, that means, he is ready. he is committed. and more importantly he trusts God! :D

all the best!