Friday, April 11, 2008

Comfort in Solitude?

When I was much younger, I used to dread and fear being alone. Since I was brought up by a nanny until the age of 7 yr old and only manage to live with my mother for 15 years from 8 to 23, I had this deep fear of abandonment and loneliness. As my early formative years were spent mostly with people other than my family member, I have often and easily form deep attachments and bonds to friends. It's surprising for people to realize that I could communicate and connect so easily but I think it's because I learn to adapt to others due to the early conditioning in life.

As a result, living in Teluk Intan has been a challenge all along. I have never felt such solitude until I stepped into this hospital. The entire young working adults demographic is missing from this town as most of the young professionals are working in big urban centres. I was grasping at whatever the social circle here could offer and at times, yearned for more active social life.

However, inasmuch as I wish for things to change, I know that I was put here for a make a difference. For now, I do not know why I am spending friday and saturday nights alone at my desk, reading books and surfing randomly. It sounds pathetic to the old me, the urban chic gal but right now, it feels like home. I found simple pleasure in preparing a meal for myself and in cleaning and arranging my room. Is it a sign of maturity? I can't answer that because deep inside, I still hope for a change in my work-place but I am still floating in uncertainties on a good choice of location to further my career.

My only respite is the occasional escapade to my hometown, KL on weekends. Even then, as my brother has left for university, I would be staying at home with not much of company. Again, the empty nest syndrome strikes. At least in KL, I could wander the shopping malls mindlessly and search up old chums or go watch a movie. Not only that, going home would entails attending Metro tabernacle again and how I miss my church..

i guess that despite my intellectual development, my social maturity has often lag behind. I was attached to KL and home until the age of 26 and had my first boy-girl relationship at the age of 23 yr old after a lifetime of crushes. I am still making baby steps in the complex world of love and relationship and trying my best to survive in this 'world' filled with people infinitely more experienced than greenhorn me.

Why am I suddenly being so candid and open about myself? I guess I am slowly turning my blog page to some sort of open-book journal, a description of my state of mind and my daily life. I don't know how many people are grappling with living on their own without their family members and closed ones around them but I could say that having faith in God truly helps in quenching that thirst for someone close to you at all times, through good and bad times.

Not only that, recent events in my life has altered my world-view considerably. No longer do I feel untouched by failure, nor untainted by big mistakes. I am severely humbled by a series of not-so-good news that almost crushed my spirit. Yet the morning sun has risen and I found that to be able to keep on hoping, believing and praying is the more important than achieving success all the time.

As I push myself to revise for an upcoming exam and to exercise for my trip up to Mount Kinabalu, I realize that there is indeed comfort in solitude. This comfort would slowly descend upon us like a cloud of soft gentle drizzle in the hottest day. This state of mind comes when there is gentle meditation and communication with our Lord. Then calm would surely come.

I don't know how long God wants me to walk this solitary path but I guess that this is part of my growing process...


Anonymous said...

I really admire the way you express and share your feelings....i wish i can do it.

well done...dr

CK Tan said...

i'd been staying alone since i study form 6. till now, it's about 10 years. though lately i moved my base to my hometown, i'm very much a lone ranger. i yearn for changes too as i find that i'm now getting used to being alone though not lonely. i think u r adapting to this new lifestyle but dun worry. if there's changes, there'll be. meanwhile, enjoy the solitude.

of cox, train well to climb the Mt. i'd been there 3 times. planning one more this yr.

ThePrincess said...

Wow, i know exactly how you feel. I have always lived with or been around someone and this spring I will be living on my own, in a new city, new job and none of my old comforts. Not evern the availability of hometown friends that i so took for granted. I've been trying to find comfort in solitude and telling myself that i am here for a reason. all of these changes have a purpose. i spent so long trying to please everyone and never make mistakes. i guess this is God's way of asking me to think about what I want for me.