I feel most creative, introspective and 'vulnerable' when I’m post-call. The tiredness after a few tiring nights in the hospital occassionally unleashes some inner machinery in the limbic systems that lead to a lot of outpourings of emotions. Everything seem to be extra melodramatic, nostalgic and….gasp, emotional.
Being someone who takes pride in mind over heart, rationality over emotions, I tend to detach myself from emotions. Yet emotions are what make us human. The most mind-boggling thing, to me…is the emotions that come with choices we make in life. So, does it mean that I am most human after my oncalls? Interesting huh?
Nowadays, as I’m preparing to leave a very comfortable surrounding, I mused a lot. I wonder what if I’ve never make the decision to move down south. I wonder if I’ve never make the decision to become a surgeon one day. I wonder if I never make the decision to leave KL. I wonder if I fight to stay on the HKL after housemanship. I wonder if I leave Malaysia for UK a few years ago.
In short, I wonder about so many things, about the people in my life, about the life that could have been. Most of all, I wonder what it would have been if my mother is still alive. I guess no matter where she is right now, I know that whatever choices I make in life, she will be proud of me. So I guess it's time to soldier and stop second-guessing myself!